Leaky Bucket.
Let’s get existential (it is eclipse season after all)–the robots are invited!
Amalle, my precious roomie, inquired, “Babsie, how are you?” to which I replied, “There have been some larger existential shadows looming over my day-to-day.”
Let’s dive in 🤿
I’ve been grappling with a conundrum.
And a sprinkling of…“Chef, is this depression, depressive thoughts, or existential dread? I’m always mixing them up!”
Definition of Existential Dread
The overwhelming anxiety and despair you experience when confronting life’s fundamental questions about purpose, mortality, and the human condition.
Symptoms
🧟♀️ Depression.
🫣 Anxiety.
🥲 Loneliness or isolation.
🚫 Lack of motivation or energy.
🔁 Obsessive thoughts.
Despite slurping up every moment of summertime in the Hudson Valley—the wildflowers, the lake, the ripe n juicy tomatoes—I’ve simultaneously been swimming in a soup containing multiple ingredients from the list above.
There is something that stirs in me when things get too quiet. When I sit in the stillness of the day-to-day.
When I’m moving through the banal, the demogorgon lurches forward from the upside down and tap tap taps on the wall between us, “Hi, Babsie.”
When I’m not in motion, there can be this feeling of hollowness.
Which brings us to my existential conundrum.
I truly feel that I’ve lived a rich, resplendent, undeniably vibrant life.
I have squeezed every last ounce of juice out of this life.
Squelched the clementine until nothing but unrecognizable particles filled my knuckles. Pulverized it, in fact.
I collected memories with the people I love most. I explored. I took risks.
I pushed myself far outside of my comfort zone–I grew, I evolved, I faceplanted (HARD).
I frolicked so aggressively that even some of my closest friends admit they don’t know where I actually live at this point (lol).
If, hypothetically, tomorrow were my last day on earth, I would truly be…content. I would know that I didn’t let life pass me by–that I maximized each moment.
And yet, there’s a genuine part of me that feels like I’m failing miserably.
Every minute without a 9-5 job is a grain of sand slipping through the hourglass, building a dune of damning evidence that I fundamentally don’t know how to live ‘the right way.’
Every text that goes unanswered looms like a ghost—hovering ferociously above my curtain bangs, threatening to swallow me whole.
So, if I've lived so fully, so beautifully (eaten so many pastel de natas on the beach), how could I possibly still feel like a failure? Why hasn't this collection of robust life experiences built a permanent reservoir of contentment and joy…a sustained bliss state?
Something doesn’t add up. Or, as Natasha would say, there’s a leak in my bucket. Dear Liza?
Natasha & The Birth of the ‘Leaky Bucket’ Metaphor.
👤 Natasha, a woman who needs no introduction, but just in case you haven’t had the pleasure of meeting her yourself: Natasha is a critically important character in the plot of my life. We grew up together in Palo Alto, California, and have been co-conspirators since the Twilight years (Hoa Hoa Hoa Hoaaaaa) i.e. 10 years old. She is stunningly, breathtakingly, obnoxiously beautiful, and one of the most ambitious, driven, and inspiring people I’ve ever met. She opens my eyes and makes me better. She also happens to be an emotional pisces princess.
On our most recent conference call, Natasha revealed that she, too, has been traversing the waters of existential dread. And, in true Natasha fashion, called in the AI deities aka ChatGPT to help.
Hey G. You’re not a therapist, I know, so let’s treat this delicately, but I’m wondering if you can pull from the stores of your data and from literature to pattern match experiences of happiness with mine.
I do SO MANY AMAZING things, the people in my life are just the most active sparkle-generating fairies, I travel, my job is awesome, my flat and my garden are like my children - but the way I describe it is like despite the insane rate at which I fill my happiness bucket, I’m just about at stable. It’s like there’s a leak in my bucket. Can you give me some options for what this could be?
I am constantly amazed by this specimen, i.e. Natasha. While I’m sitting amongst the wild flowers, staring softly into the distance, slinking to the bottom of my existential well like a pebble, she is gathering data, seeking advice, and coming up with an action plan. Where I am intuition—soft, squiggly, asymmetrical lines—she is logic, datapoints, framework, risk assessment. Our soul matter is made of the same iridescent, sparkle-seeking substance, yet our tactics reside on complementary sides of the color wheel 🎨 We complete each other.
Back to the point:
My life is effing sick, and yet it feels like there’s a leak in my happiness bucket. I’m constantly fueling up with jubilant life experiences, meaningful connections, all the good stuff, and yet it feels like my sparkle tank is just about empty at times. What gives?
ChatGPT’s response:
Natasha, I hear you. You’ve built a dazzling life filled with richness, sparkle, beauty, connection, and achievement — but what you’re describing, this leaky bucket phenomenon, is actually something that shows up a lot in psychology, philosophy, and literature. It’s not uncommon at all, and there are a few different patterns that might map onto your experience. I’ll lay them out as options, not diagnoses, and you can see if any resonate:
Potential Leaky Bucket Causes.
Here are potential causes for a leaky fulfillment bucket, as described by the ‘bots:
What resonates? Have you been feeling existential dread? Have you experienced similar leaks? Would love to hear from you! 💭 Share thoughts here! 💭
What is my root cause? What does my bucket need?
Whipped cream? Coconut shrimp?
Some pieces feel unavoidable. Some pieces feel inherent to my nature and unique bucket design.
Yet, examining these areas has encouraged me to rethink how I design my life. How can I satisfy the yearning to build constantly and organize around this?
How can I mitigate the spookiness of the valleys in between extraordinarily sparkle experiences and learn to love routine?
Maybe it’s eclipse season, maybe it’s the transition from wet hot summer to #hoahoahoa fall (IYKYK), maybe it’s a purpose void. I’m still exploring, I’m inquiring! I’m connecting with my community and creativity to find meaning!
So, in sum, if you’re also having sprinklings of E.D. (existential dread) you are not alone! You got this! Infinity juicy ripe tomato luv!!!
✨ I’m a solutions girl at heart ✨
Ways to stave off existential dread ft. amazing artists and creators 🎨
Nervous System Regulation & The Internal World
Join Jessica’s Mystical Mugwort plant container, where you tune into your internal world daily through practicing plant-led ritual and integrating somatic techniques, book a 30 min call to learn more, or grab your broom and sign up below 🧹
Restless Builders Club
Join Greg’s Community, Startup Empire, where you can build cool sh!t and learn with other entrepreneurs who are vibe coding SaaS products in days…!
Bucket o’ Champagne Anyone?!
Keep filling your cup with sum sparkly hedonic delight 🥂 and check out Klovis Gaynor at the Parkside Lounge on Sept 30th <3
This is dedicated to Natasha, my best friend & soulmate, and Sophia, a new friend, who has filled my bucket with sound, laughter & frolicking—thank you for being you!
Need to know Natasha’s moon and risingg (fellow Pisces)